Top 10 Deal Breakers for eHarmony users

How fitting that the NYT should post this health blog (the real question is what is this doing on a health blog in the New York Times and not in some pop psychology segment on E!) about relationship deal breakers not only just a few days after I started my own blog about deal breakers, but also just a few weeks after I quit the online dating service eHarmony, or as I like to call it, eDesperate.

The focus of this blog is on a portion of eHarmony called "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands." I never liked this particular feature of the site because I thought it was too reductive and judgmental and antagonistic, so I tended to ignore this part when communicating with potential mates. According to an analysis of eHarmony users, out of 50 options, the top four "Must Haves" were the same for men and women: 1. sense of humor, 2. chemistry, 3. affectionate, 4. communicator. But from there, differences emerge.

Included on the women's side, but absent from the men's are being financially responsible and being committed to marriage, home and family. Included on the men's side and absent from the women's side were being passionate and having patience. Translation: women want a man with money (financially responsible) who will provide for a family (committed to marriage and children) and men want a woman who likes sex (passion) and will put up with their bullshit (patience).

Now on to the deal breakers. Both sexes hate lying, cheating and being rude. And really, who doesn't? What's interesting is that for men, the fourth thing they can't stand is poor hygiene. It trumps being angry, mean spirited, using illegal drugs and infidelity. My question is: Who the heck are these people dating? This isn't junior high where the school nurse has to come talk to the smelly kid about his BO. Most adults I know can somehow manage to bathe, brush their teeth, use deodorant and put on clean clothes on a somewhat regular, if not daily, basis.

I don't think this one is referring to general cleanliness or even embarrassing housekeeping things some of us let slide, like the pile of dog fur that has accumulated on my bed. Translation: Men like woman who will shave their legs, wear make-up, dress up and do their nails and hair. By calling these things, collectively, "hygiene" eHarmony lets them off the hook for being shallow or sexist.

Also, coming in at number eight, men can't stand someone who is excessively overweight, thereby contributing to the unrealistic expectation that American women be slim and chipping away at my body image and self-worth. Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, I, too, put on my list that I could not stand someone who is excessively overweight. But I felt bad about it. And judgmental. And I only added it because if someone is overweight, they will have trouble keeping up when we climb 14-ers and do 100-mile bike rides. And that just gets annoying.

Rounding out the top-10 list, at numbers nine and 10, both sexes can't stand someone who is lazy, defined as "someone who likes to spend excessive time sleeping, resting or being a couch potato," which is interesting to me since I got matched with A LOT of guys who said they liked to "sleep in," "hang out" and "clean out their cars" on the weekends. Real go-getters they were.

So anyway, the results just tell us what eDesperate users must have/can't stand in a mate. But they also reveal that the people on this site, in general, still abide by some traditional gender roles and stereotypes...