Phone Sex and 2 Goats ~ Jacqui

So I am now 100% sure that there is no such thing as having uncomplicated phone sex with a former fling.

I know, same old sob story right? But seriously hear me out. I am fairly certain I have uncovered a new level of commitment phobia. He may be a new species, I can't be certain, but stay with me.

About a year ago I had FANTASTIC sex with this guy who then promptly freaked out and moved across the country. Those two things are likely unrelated. He freaked and then moved for a job months later. I just like to save space. Yada yada, we reconnected, started texting, then sexting, and so on and so forth as you do. (It's important not to judge me yet. Important to me that is.)

Well after one of our recent rendevous, he said: " I just want to make sure I'm managing your expectations". I think I actually snorted when I laughed. Then I had to put the phone down and roll around on the floor in amusement. I began thinking how my writing would never be clever enough to capture the absurdity of the moment. Suffice it to say, "Pardon?"

I'm having phone sex with my former hook up who now lives 3000 miles away. Oh yeah, I can see where he might worry I was getting the wrong impression. This all screams serious relationship is imminent. In some countries, regular phone sex and two goats equals common law marriage.

After I composed myself, which took some time, I thought, why do some men feel driven to remind us, even in the most casual of circumstances, that we shouldn't expect to be graced with their wonderfulness too long? I suppose when I was 19 I swooned a bit too easily. I will say that. Now that I am, well, not 19, I have things to do, like my taxes (how is it that I OWE the State of CA?) and worry about whether or not it's too late to go to law school. I know what going somewhere looks like, and this ain't it.

The moral of this story is, if you have a decent man in your life, think long, and think hard before you let him go. The dating pool is shallow and filled with man children.

In the words of the most eloquent Tracy Morgan "Everyone needs to calm down, take a deep breath, and prepare their bodies for the Thunderdome. That is the new law".

P.S. What do you think he'd do if I texted him that I was moving back East? Mooohaha, I'm mean.

Is dog-spooning a deal breaker?

Not only does he like spooning, he likes playing dress-up, too.

You may have seen a study from the CDC a few weeks ago called Zoonoses in the Bedroom, that suggested sleeping with your pet could be hazardous to your health. Fifty-six percent of dog owners let their dogs sleep with them, thereby opening themselves up to all kinds of nasty diseases, like bacterial, parasitic and viral zoonoses. And plague. And rabies. In response to this study, the New York Times ran a story called Warm Nights, Cold Noses about people who sleep with their pets. The moral of the story is: don't let your pets lick your open wounds and you won't get a staph infection. Makes sense.

I am one of those people that sleep with their dogs. He's human-sized and we spoon. Don't judge. So when my mother started nagging me the other day about how I shouldn't let the dog in my bed, I assumed she, like many people, had heard about the health concerns that had been in the news lately. Not so.

Ok, well, at the very least, since she's a neat freak, I thought her reasons might sound something like this: he will ruin your comforter, he's dirty, he has fleas, he smells, he rolls in poop, he sheds and other reasons generally related to hygiene or cleanliness. Nope.

What she actually said was "Someday you will have a companion (her word, 'companion,' not mine) and he might not like a dog sleeping on the bed."

Ok, I appreciate her use of the gender-neutral "companion," but let me get this straight: my dog has to sleep on the floor from now on in preparation for my hypothetical, dog-hating, future boyfriend? I'm supposed to change my life and make concessions in anticipation of a person who doesn't even exist yet? Is a dog in the bed a deal breaker?

Sorry, mom. The dog does exist. And he's warm. And furry. And likes to spoon. Well, I don't know for sure if he likes it, but he doesn't really have a choice because he's a dog. Plus, he's always happy to see me when I get home, unlike partners of the human variety.

And besides, I don't really see how a dog in my bed is currently an obstacle to my dating life. For that to be the case, it would mean I would have to get the dates to actually enter my bedroom. Which would mean making it past the front door. Which would mean me not fucking up that whole dating thing. Which has proven itself to be an impossible feat.

I haven't yet found an effective way to lure men into my bedroom, but I don't really think it's the dog that's keeping them out. The dog doesn't have anything to worry about yet. He can rest easy because no one is even close to kicking him out of his furry little corner of the bed. And until then, I'll take my chances with the plague.

Damning with faint praise and harsh punctuation

*Again, the amazing Jacqui:

Well, that happened.

So I went out with the brave Valentine's Day caller on Tuesday. I had a feeling he was going to be perfect, and I was correct in my assumption. He was smart, kind, polite, witty, and very cute. I say was, because to me he is dead. Turns out he just wasn't that into me.

My friends keep saying, "You don't know that for sure!" "Don't be negative!" "Keep the faith!" "Relax, He might call!" Yeah, see here's the thing: no he won't. Most intelligent people of a certain age can get a pretty clear read on whether or not there will be a second date by the end of the first date. Friends, I love you, but you also know he isn't going to call again, so please don't patronize me. It's my pathetic dating life, I get to be the one in denial if I so choose. You should be the realists telling me to cut bate and fish in someone else's pond. Does that make sense? Probably not. I don't care.

So here is what happened. We work in similar industries so we had a lot to talk about, blah blah blah, wine wine wine, at some point I fell deeply in love with him, then he didn't try to kiss me or ask to see me again. This is puzzling because the conversation was great, he kept ordering more drinks, acting all "interested" in what I had to say. Woof.

It's quite possible that he knew within three minutes of meeting me that he did not want to see me again, or in other words, that he didn't want to see me naked at any point in the future. On the topic of not wanting to see me naked, another thing people have begun saying to comfort me is: "At least he didn't just sleep with you and never call." Hmmm, how to put this delicately.... THAT'S EQUALLY IF NOT MORE OFFENSIVE....to me, at this fragile, umm, moment in my life.

It's also possible that I talk far too much on a first date (at some point the Duke lacrosse players sex scandal came up, I can't exactly say how, but rape is probably not a first date topic. Whoa. That may be the real take away here. Shiver). Anyway, since we have a mutual friend I decided to be an adult and text a quick "Thanks for last night, I had a lot of fun!" I didn't expect any reply, but I did get the following a couple hours later: "Yes. It was a good time."

Now, what I find most interesting/disturbing about this is his use of punctuation. There are only six words, but he used two periods. YIKES. I felt like replying, Jesus, buddy, was it THAT bad? ! Quit yelling at me. Yes PERIOD. That first period sounded like a piece of wet cotton hitting the ground. It actually made a sound when it hit my phone. It is the text equivalent of a handshake and pat on the head.

So, no, methinks I won't be hearing from Mr. Wonderful again. Next date I'm going with a low cut blouse and an excessive amount of lower lip biting.

Valentine's Day is just another day of the year

*This post is from my super cute, smart and funny friend who lives in Hollywood and is also navigating the rough dating seas. Hopefully she will become a regular contributor.

This Valentine's Day will go down in my personal history as an important day, but not for the obvious reasons. I am single and in the process of being set up on a blind date by a trusted friend. The gentleman in question and I played phone tag on Sunday but never connected. I woke up Monday, February 14th, thinking, well, I'll perhaps hear from him tomorrow.

I assumed he, like most men, wouldn't want to face the implications of calling a girl on Valentine's Day. You know, we might get the wrong idea entirely, catch the vapors or somehow become spontaneously impregnated with their child, or something. None of these things happened but I will tell you what did happen. I became incredibly turned on by this man's maturity level. I use the word man with purpose.

Praise be to all that's holy, he picked up the phone and called me back because he owed me a call and Valentine's Day is just another day of the year. No bullshit, no game playing, no crazy talk, no awkward text message.

I have yet to meet him and I already know I'm attracted to him. This kind of thing makes me want to get naked, for the good of the women of America because this behavior should be rewarded and encouraged.

Amen.

Valentine's Day Retrospective

So it's Valentine's Day. You probably expect a nice little commentary, tinged with bitterness, punctuated with mildly embarrassing and self-deprecating attempts at humor. But you'd be wrong. What we have for you instead is kind of an open letter to my past loves. This is my chance to say all those things I never said that I wish I had. Valentine's Retrospective: a look back at the boys I've loved before…punctuated with mildly embarrassing and self-deprecating attempts at humor.

Boy #1:

You were the love of my life. For a while. After we broke up, it took us years to get to the point where we did not hate each other and could have a normal conversation that didn't involve thinly veiled insults or degrading the other's current love interest or career choice. We are finally friends and I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardize that. Which is why you must stop asking to spoon with me. And please get your hand off my leg…

Boy #2:

Although it was not the first indication that we would never live happily ever after, looking back I think it was the most obvious: your collection of nutcracker dolls. Especially the four-foot tall one. They gave me the creeps and weren't even functional for cracking nuts. I understand that they were gifts from your grandmother but that doesn't mean you should display them year-round. But I was not very nice to you, and for that I am sorry. Please tell your sister to stop giving me the stinkeye and intimidating my friends in bars. It's been two years. Talk about holding a grudge. I said I was sorry. Sheesh.

Boy #3:

I still can't believe you picked that other (not as cute) girl over me. I thought things were going well. It was a real shock (and blow to the ego) to find out that you can't always get by on your good looks and guys actually want to date a girl who is a good, nice, caring, compassionate person. And I am not that person so it's probably for the best. Anyway, when things don't work out with the nice girl, you have my number.

Boy #4:

We sure had some good times together, didn't we? Like, remember the time, months after you had broken my heart, when we were hooking up over Christmas break and you said that we had to stop because your (fun surprise!) girlfriend at school, the one whose existence you failed to inform me of, was coming for a visit? And then remember how just mere hours after you had left my bedroom, you were dumb enough to take her to our favorite bar and I happened to be there too, drowning my sorrows? The look on your face was priceless as we made eye contact. I get all choked up with nostalgia remembering how you were sweating bullets and wondering what crazy scene I might cause. Watching you squirm and then practically tackle the waitress in your haste to get the check ranks in the top five all-time best 15 minutes of my life and I would pay a lot of money to relive it. Thank you for your unbelievable stupidity.

Boy #5:

I didn't treat you very well either and I'm sorry. But now that we are older and more mature, maybe you'd like to give it another go? I really think we could make it work this time. I know things got kind of complicated there for a while, but this time I'll make it really easy for you. How about we just make out a little? No? Snuggle? Ok, you're right. I'll stop now…

Boy #6:

You were hot. Somewhere between Calvin Klein and J. Crew model with a dash of preppy. And we shared a wonderful love/obsession/addiction for coffee that will never again be equaled with anyone else in this lifetime. Too bad you only wanted to be my boyfriend after 10 p.m. I tried to meet you halfway. I was willing to overlook the fact that you enjoyed romantic comedies and wore sweatpants in public if you would have just called me when you were sober. I'm not saying I'm above a booty call, but let's not be ridiculous. I do require a little advanced notice. Don't call me at 2 a.m. on a Wednesday just because you're drunk. I've already been asleep for hours because some people have jobs. And you've just sacrificed the last shred of your dignity. The final remaining shred that you miraculously didn't lose by confessing that Notting Hill was your favorite move. Gone.

Unfriending your ex

So apparently today, Feb. 13, the day before Valentine's Day, is Annual Break Up With Your Ex Day. The website YourTango.com encourages people to sever cyber ties with former lovers, partners and spouses by unfriending, unfollowing and deleting on this day.

I will admit that far more often than can possibly be healthy I have caved to the urge to check exes Facebook pages. The word "compulsively" comes to mind. And it would probably be better for my mental health if I didn't see what's on there: one ex is having twins with some new flame, another ex has a rapidly rotating series of flavors of the week that show up in pics and wall postings.

So why don't I unfriend them? Why don't just wipe the slate clean and cut these people that have hurt me out of my life? It's not because I enjoy torturing myself with the masochistic little guilty pleasure of cyber stalking, (even if that's true). And it's not because I want to maintain contact with them or harbor some secret hope of reuniting with them. I don't even talk to these people anymore and I certainly don't want to get back together with these shitheads. But I won't unfriend them because unfriending is petty.

This weekend one of my friends, a former (kind of) romantic interest admitted that he had unfriended me. And that stung. And it also made no sense. This guy and I had what can barely be described as a flirtation. He may have liked me at one time, at least that's what I heard from mutual friends. It was all very high school. But he never made a move and so I moved on. He actually stood me up and cancelled plans with me on more than one occasion, proving that he was not only not boyfriend material, he wasn't even friend material. But I had no hard feelings toward him. Just figured he was immature and I felt glad I didn't end up dating him.

So when I noticed I had been cut from his Facebook friends, I jokingly confronted him about it, expecting him to say there was some computer glitch or something. But he straight up said we had "gone through a rough patch" and thus, the unfriending. I asked him to explain, but he wouldn't. But the thing is, we see each other on a fairly regular basis. We have mutual friends and are in the same book club. He never made any attempt to talk to me about this supposed "rough patch" when it was happening, and I'm still not sure what he was referring to. Whatever happened between us happened only in his head. But he just passive aggressively cyber deleted me. And now who looks like the psycho? Not the girl who is still Facebook friends with her exes, even if she might check their profiles a little too frequently for her own good.

I won't unfriend my exes because it would make it seem like I care more than I do, that I'm actually still bothered by them. It would make me seem weak. And they would win. Being cyber friends with exes maintains the illusion that I am the bigger person because I'm mature enough to have a superficial relationship with someone I have every right to cut out of my life. It's about proving a point. It's about keeping up appearances. And it's all a facade. But it's an important one. I mean, when your hatred of someone outweighs your desire to save cyber face, that's when you know you have a problem.

Annual Valentine's Day Stoning of a Happy Couple

It's almost that time of year again. I can feel it creeping stealthily up. First, it silently infiltrates the candy aisle in the grocery store. Then it's the barrage of diamond commercials on TV, whose frequency is beginning to rival that of the Christmas season. And then come the web ads. On my e-mail page, on my Facebook page, everywhere. And now that I've googled "Valentine's Day" on my home computer, it will only get worse. Sure, I could try to ignore it. But I like pink. And hearts. And chocolate.

Valentine's Day. It's the only day of the year (besides Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Year's Eve, birthdays, weddings, parties, Friday, Saturday and sometimes Thursday nights) that goes out of its way to make singles feel bummed about being single. It's such a jerk, encouraging people to revel in their non-singledom. The entire holiday is pure schadenfreude.

For people who are casually dating, the only appropriate response is to pretend this holiday doesn't exist and isn't happening. Valentine's Day is for people who are in Love. Valentine's Day is not for people who are kind of dating someone they might like a little bit but isn't cool enough/good looking enough to actually introduce to their friends or admit they are dating. THIS is the silently suffering demographic that is actually in need of recognition by a holiday, not couples.

So this year, I will be giving couples a taste of their own medicine and attending the Annual Valentine's Day Stoning of a Happy Couple, held in Fort Collins, Colo. which brings comfort and joy to singles everywhere. OK, well, I would be going to that if it was a real event...

Or, if you're feeling especially bitter, read Monday's NYT City Room Blog about the darkest tales of Valentine's Day from divorce lawyers.

Valentine's Day fun facts, according to History.com:

Named after one or more Christian martyrs, by the middle ages, Valentine was one of the most popular saints in France and England.

One-hundred forty one million Valentine cards are sent each year, making Valentine's Day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year after Christmas.

Approximately 85 percent of all Valentines are purchased by women.

The first commercial Valentine's Day greeting cards produced in the U.S. were created in the 1840s by Esther A. Howland, who made the cards with real lace, ribbons and colorful pictures.

Top 10 Deal Breakers for eHarmony users

How fitting that the NYT should post this health blog (the real question is what is this doing on a health blog in the New York Times and not in some pop psychology segment on E!) about relationship deal breakers not only just a few days after I started my own blog about deal breakers, but also just a few weeks after I quit the online dating service eHarmony, or as I like to call it, eDesperate.

The focus of this blog is on a portion of eHarmony called "Must Haves" and "Can't Stands." I never liked this particular feature of the site because I thought it was too reductive and judgmental and antagonistic, so I tended to ignore this part when communicating with potential mates. According to an analysis of eHarmony users, out of 50 options, the top four "Must Haves" were the same for men and women: 1. sense of humor, 2. chemistry, 3. affectionate, 4. communicator. But from there, differences emerge.

Included on the women's side, but absent from the men's are being financially responsible and being committed to marriage, home and family. Included on the men's side and absent from the women's side were being passionate and having patience. Translation: women want a man with money (financially responsible) who will provide for a family (committed to marriage and children) and men want a woman who likes sex (passion) and will put up with their bullshit (patience).

Now on to the deal breakers. Both sexes hate lying, cheating and being rude. And really, who doesn't? What's interesting is that for men, the fourth thing they can't stand is poor hygiene. It trumps being angry, mean spirited, using illegal drugs and infidelity. My question is: Who the heck are these people dating? This isn't junior high where the school nurse has to come talk to the smelly kid about his BO. Most adults I know can somehow manage to bathe, brush their teeth, use deodorant and put on clean clothes on a somewhat regular, if not daily, basis.

I don't think this one is referring to general cleanliness or even embarrassing housekeeping things some of us let slide, like the pile of dog fur that has accumulated on my bed. Translation: Men like woman who will shave their legs, wear make-up, dress up and do their nails and hair. By calling these things, collectively, "hygiene" eHarmony lets them off the hook for being shallow or sexist.

Also, coming in at number eight, men can't stand someone who is excessively overweight, thereby contributing to the unrealistic expectation that American women be slim and chipping away at my body image and self-worth. Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, I, too, put on my list that I could not stand someone who is excessively overweight. But I felt bad about it. And judgmental. And I only added it because if someone is overweight, they will have trouble keeping up when we climb 14-ers and do 100-mile bike rides. And that just gets annoying.

Rounding out the top-10 list, at numbers nine and 10, both sexes can't stand someone who is lazy, defined as "someone who likes to spend excessive time sleeping, resting or being a couch potato," which is interesting to me since I got matched with A LOT of guys who said they liked to "sleep in," "hang out" and "clean out their cars" on the weekends. Real go-getters they were.

So anyway, the results just tell us what eDesperate users must have/can't stand in a mate. But they also reveal that the people on this site, in general, still abide by some traditional gender roles and stereotypes...