Does it make me a bad person if...

During and after a break up, I think most adults try to move on with some (at least outward appearance of) maturity, grace and integrity. They try not to let things get too ugly, try to take the high road, be the bigger person, remain civil. Some even try to be friends. Not me.

When I feel like I've been wronged in a relationship and its aftermath, I get petty. And childish. I resort to name-calling. I actually say out loud everything mean and hurtful thing that I've been thinking. Every midnight confession, dirty little secret, insecurity, secret fear and weird quirk that the ex has allowed me to be privy to over the course of the relationship, I throw in their face. I twist the knife. I say I told you so. I go for the jugular. I burn bridges. I figure, what have I got to lose? I mean, besides my dignity, which by this point is probably long gone anyway...

There is a word, a most beautiful German word that has no English equivalent and that perfectly describes my feelings toward a few exes of mine. Schadenfreude.

So imagine my inner delight when my (very materialistic) ex recently posted on Facebook pictures of a tree that fell on his brand-spanking-new Subaru during a wind storm. Basically destroyed the roof. I smiled a little on the inside. Ok, I smiled a lot. The thought of missing out on the chance to revel in rare instances like this has basically kept me from unfriending him.

I do not think it makes me a bad person to secretly delight in the misfortune of someone who ripped my heart out and then stomped on it. Repeatedly. (This break-up was so bad, I moved across the country rather than deal with it and him in our tiny town.) However, kinda, (sorta) thinking (for a split second) that it was (maybe just) a little bit of a shame that he wasn't actually INSIDE the car when the tree fell? Jury is still out on that one...

Unfriending your ex

So apparently today, Feb. 13, the day before Valentine's Day, is Annual Break Up With Your Ex Day. The website YourTango.com encourages people to sever cyber ties with former lovers, partners and spouses by unfriending, unfollowing and deleting on this day.

I will admit that far more often than can possibly be healthy I have caved to the urge to check exes Facebook pages. The word "compulsively" comes to mind. And it would probably be better for my mental health if I didn't see what's on there: one ex is having twins with some new flame, another ex has a rapidly rotating series of flavors of the week that show up in pics and wall postings.

So why don't I unfriend them? Why don't just wipe the slate clean and cut these people that have hurt me out of my life? It's not because I enjoy torturing myself with the masochistic little guilty pleasure of cyber stalking, (even if that's true). And it's not because I want to maintain contact with them or harbor some secret hope of reuniting with them. I don't even talk to these people anymore and I certainly don't want to get back together with these shitheads. But I won't unfriend them because unfriending is petty.

This weekend one of my friends, a former (kind of) romantic interest admitted that he had unfriended me. And that stung. And it also made no sense. This guy and I had what can barely be described as a flirtation. He may have liked me at one time, at least that's what I heard from mutual friends. It was all very high school. But he never made a move and so I moved on. He actually stood me up and cancelled plans with me on more than one occasion, proving that he was not only not boyfriend material, he wasn't even friend material. But I had no hard feelings toward him. Just figured he was immature and I felt glad I didn't end up dating him.

So when I noticed I had been cut from his Facebook friends, I jokingly confronted him about it, expecting him to say there was some computer glitch or something. But he straight up said we had "gone through a rough patch" and thus, the unfriending. I asked him to explain, but he wouldn't. But the thing is, we see each other on a fairly regular basis. We have mutual friends and are in the same book club. He never made any attempt to talk to me about this supposed "rough patch" when it was happening, and I'm still not sure what he was referring to. Whatever happened between us happened only in his head. But he just passive aggressively cyber deleted me. And now who looks like the psycho? Not the girl who is still Facebook friends with her exes, even if she might check their profiles a little too frequently for her own good.

I won't unfriend my exes because it would make it seem like I care more than I do, that I'm actually still bothered by them. It would make me seem weak. And they would win. Being cyber friends with exes maintains the illusion that I am the bigger person because I'm mature enough to have a superficial relationship with someone I have every right to cut out of my life. It's about proving a point. It's about keeping up appearances. And it's all a facade. But it's an important one. I mean, when your hatred of someone outweighs your desire to save cyber face, that's when you know you have a problem.